In the journal enterprise, the Back Page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in wherever else. Some might name it “filler”; we favor “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.

We do not have pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular characteristic, Back Page.

You know, after I was a bit gal, monsters used to have smart names. Names like “Bowser” and “Ganon”, “Ridley” and “Sephiroth”. Cool mononyms, you recognize, like Cher and Madonna. They’re memorable. Punchy. Sensible. If Bowser has a final title, I do not comprehend it, and I do not need to.

Nowadays, you are much less prone to be caught in a battle with Nemesis or Mother Brain, and extra prone to come face-to-face with one thing known as Ceaseless Discharge, a Dark Souls boss that I nonetheless can’t consider exists. Please don’t title your horrible bosses after physique fluids! That’s bizarre!!!

This is Ceaseless Discharge. I might have named him one thing like, “Flame Boy”

At the identical time… I adore it. I actually do. I like the second after I enter a boss area and the title comes up, and I discover out that this large behemoth that I’ve to defeat has a reputation like GERALD THE NEVER-WED, DESTROYER OF SMORGASBORDS. It offers me an attractive little little bit of story. A little bit of intrigue. I need to know extra about Gerald, simply as I need to put a sword into one among his eighteen faces. Why’s he by no means been wed? Was it due to his propensity to destroy smorgasbords? Was his fiancée a smorgasbord? I have to know!

The newest game to make use of this, let’s consider, Tolkienesque method to naming its monsters is Xenoblade Chronicles 3, which — for the report — I’ve not performed but, as I mentioned within the above video with one among our video chaps, Zion. But I have seen an inventory of one thing the game calls “Unique Monsters”, and I’ve to say, it’d really be the factor that will get me to play the game.

Here’s what I can inform about Xenoblade Chronicles 3 from its… attention-grabbing naming conventions:

Petrivore Judomar

You’ve perhaps heard the phrase “petrichor”, the title for the scent of the earth after rain. But have you ever heard of… petrivore? It’s a mixture of the Greek, “petra”, that means rock, and the Latin “vorare”, to eat. Judomar loves consuming rocks. That is Judomar’s defining high quality. Apparently, he’s a dinosaurish lad, with a giant ol’ mouth for crunching. And you recognize what they are saying: You gotta work with what your mama gave you, and on this case, it was a giant ol’ mouth for crunching. Live your bliss, Judomar.

Sharpwitted Tracy

This completely seems like a mild-yet-passive-aggressive nickname used within the academics’ lounge to explain that one very talkative lady of their class. And it is such a traditional title? TRACY? I like that there are monsters on the market named TRACY, like they have been born within the Seventies. Sharpwitted Tracy used to have a large perm and manner too many bangles. Now she runs a PR firm.

Unobtrusive Liggy

I regarded up what Unobtrusive Liggy is, and it is a spider. I like that. Spiders are, typically, fairly unobtrusive — they construct little webs in corners and usually attempt to keep out of the way in which, until they get caught within the tub. However. I can’t forgive the writing and/or localisation group for naming a spider character “Liggy”. Like “leggy”. Because it is a spider. Come on, lads.

Mobile Vespa

I don’t consider this can be a monster. This is an Italian scooter.

Jingoistic Gigantus

That’s him. That’s the boy

Jingoism is not an adjective that I assumed I might ever see in a JRPG! I normally hear it nearly fully within the context of Brexit, provided that it means “nationalism marked especially by a belligerent foreign policy”, and whereas I’m not stepping into politics right here (this can be a foolish article about monsters, mate), it is fairly uncommon in a manner that makes me need to know extra.

Gigantus really has a picture on the Xenoblade wiki, and he is a big orange gorilla-baboon hybrid. I do not know what he is even jingoistic about. Does he run a rustic? Does he have a overseas coverage? Why is it essential to know that he’s extraordinarily patriotic whereas preventing him? Honestly, I can not wait to search out out.

(Bonus notice: Apparently Jingoistic Gigantus and Territorial Rotbart are related enemies. Maybe they’re simply working a thesaurus on the phrase “territorial”?)

Kilocorn Grandeps

Kilocorn Grandeps raises one essential query: Does he have 1,000 horns, like a unicorn has one? Or is he simply actually boastful about how a lot corn he has? Probably the previous. But I’m hoping for the latter.

Budding Francis

We’ve all had desires. Budding Francis desires of being a Real Francis some day. He most likely will not get to be, since it is your mission to kill him. So unhappy.

Sensitive Catullus

This is Sensitive Catullus. The actual one, not the Xenoblade monster — Image: Schorle

They named a Xenoblade monster after… a first-century BC Roman poet. Sure, why not. No one would bat an eye fixed in case your two youngsters have been named Tracy and Catullus, proper?

Catullus — the actual, non-monster one — is well-known for his poetry, which largely issues his utter obsession together with his married girlfriend. Occasionally he additionally writes about different topics, like cool boats, or how a lot he hates mainly everybody who’s imply about his poems. It’s truthful to say that the person was “sensitive”.

I legitimately can’t think about a monster with this title.

Raucous Ron

This sounds just like the stage title of a bizarre clown that your uncle booked to your birthday celebration. He smells like cigarettes and divorce.

Househunter Carly

Do y’all watch Grand Designs? It’s a present during which a pleasant, exhausted man named Kevin McCloud goes to satisfy a pair who’re embarking on an underbudgeted, massively overambitious housing mission, like “what if a house was inside a mountain” or “we are going to build a three-storey mansion out of nothing but bottles”. Kevin says “this is a stupid idea.” He then visits them a yr or two later, solely to search out that their home remains to be a pile of mud. He then says “I told you so.”

Anyway, I’m imagining that the Househunter Carly combat is like that, besides you play as Kevin McCloud, and you need to beat her by convincing her that £1,000 will not be sufficient for a kitchen refit.

Indiscreet Gombaba

Gombaba will not be a monster as a lot as a pal who can’t be trusted to maintain a single secret. Do not inform Indiscreet Gombaba something, as a result of the very first thing they may do is inform the particular person the key is about. This boss battle, I think about, is simply catching up with Gombaba over drinks and never giving them any juicy info, as an alternative protecting the dialog to protected matters just like the climate and sports activities. Terribly boring.

Make Your Own Stupid Xenoblade Monster Name

Bust out your D20, roll it twice, here is your Xenoblade Chronicles monster:

Number Roll One Roll Two
1 Cromulent Crustablorb
2 Milky Flamboyard
3 Demagnetised Crabcrabcrabcrab
4 Goopy Nintendoswitch
5 Gravy-Flavoured Wallace
6 Warm Julius Caesar
7 Tax-Evading Splunch
8 Octogenarian Toyota
9 Artificially-Soured Pikachu
10 Sticky Cheesebeast
11 Microwaveable Granddad
12 Scrunched-Up Speeeeeeeeep
13 Full-Fledged Bismoid
14 Internet Soup
15 Free-To-Play Gascoigne
16 Anonymous Cryptocurrency
17 Individually Wrapped Leg
18 Legitimate Fredward
19 Travel-Sized (the Frog)
20 Father Brian

Incredibly, that is “Flabbergasted Jerome”

Apparently, the entire Xenoblade video games are like this. Other monsters embody, and I’m not making this up, “Flabbergasted Jerome” and “Musical Vanflare”, which seems like a elaborate time period for a very loud automotive. You may very well be forgiven for considering that “Mysterious Barnaby”, “Unreliable Rezno”, and “Final Marcus” have been all Beatles B-sides written by Ringo, and that it is best to see a health care provider if you happen to ever expertise a “Soothed Aglovale”, lest it flip right into a “Conflagrant Raxeal”, or worse, a “Peeling Kircheis”.

You know, I might need performed a Xenoblade Chronicles a very long time in the past if it meant that I’d come to satisfy anybody with the title Plump Sprahda. Just sayin’.

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